I just had coffee with a girl who goes to my church. She is so sweet. We have never really had deep discussions, so we shared stories. As I began to tell her my story - my life story, so it was long - i almost wept at what God has done in my life. The first time was when I was telling her when I first started to walk with the Lord. I am so undeserving of His pursuit of me, yet He chose me anyway. Its so beautiful. Then, as I reflected on New York (the first time), feeling called to East Asia, New York (the second time), my year in China/time spent in Thailand, my year in Charlotte, living in Arcadia, not to mention what He has done in me since moving to Simi Valley, i just felt...so overwhelmed. God is so good. I can't believe what He has done in my life, and I'm only 26! If this is what He can do now, I can't even imagine what is to come. I (and perhaps we, depending on who is reading this) serve such an incredible God. I don't understand it. I am such an adultress. I run to other lovers DAILY, when all the while He stands by offering me the true desire of my soul. His love for me makes no sense, but it is true. That i am certain of. While my love may be false and simply a facade, His love in never-changing, always there. It blows me away.
The past 2 months have been so sweet. Having time to fall deeper in love with my Creator has been such a gift. It is only through Him that I have the perspective that I do. I have seen Him do so many crazy things - from providing something as small as a study bible to providing a place where I can live rent-free. I am so undeserving, yet in His graciousness He has given me such things. He truly does know how to give good gifts to His children.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
satisfaction.
In March of 2006, I began to fight a very long battle.
It was at this time that my faith was completely shaken. I was in China, as a missionary, to tell people about Jesus and the hope we have in Him, and I was completely unsure of what I believed. I began to question everything, and God began to show me that I had believed a false gospel my entire life. (in fact, He's still showing me that). I was completely stripped. What i had been clinging to was not the right thing. This left me in complete disarray. Put that with living in a completely different culture, and you've got a perfect recipe for depression :) I pushed through, cried out to God, but I knew God wasn't done with me, as much as I wished he would be.
So, in July of 2006, I found myself in Charlotte. it was glorious at first, being surrounded by so many good people and being HOME. But God still had work to do. I felt alone. SO alone. Its hard to explain how you can feel alone even though you are surrounded by so many people. I have never in my life felt so desperate. I felt abandoned. I even started seeing a Christian counselor, which was good. I wanted her to give me something to make me feel better. But she, like others, agreed that my issues were circumstantial. Charlotte was SO hard; in fact, only recently can I read my journal from that time. The last month there was beautiful, though. I had no job, no house...I spent an entire month with God. It was INCREDIBLE. I was so in love with Him, that nothing else mattered. There was no "life" to get in the way. It was a sweet time of fellowship that I don't think I'd ever had before, nor have i had since.
But it was time to go. So I moved again. It was SO from God. He confirmed that for me countless times as I prayed through it. Found myself in California. And it was so good, the newness of it all. But eventually i found...He wasn't done. He had to strip me, show me my idols. I began to see that at times I would stop at an oasis, but that the desert was still there.
And now, here I am, still in California. Things have changed. I've learned so much. God has done miraculous things in my heart. But He's not done. And that makes me feel crazy somedays. I just want relief. I beg God, please, give me relief. And He does, for a time. But He's not done. And MAN, is it hard. I have cried so many tears - of frustration, of sorrow, and sometimes of grief for the things that I have lost. But because He loves me, because He is relentless in His pursuit of me, He won't give up. And He is a JEALOUS God. He won't stand for other lovers. He knows that true love isn't always what we want - its what we need...
"Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her. And there I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth, as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt...And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the LORD." (Hosea 2)
"Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. If anyone serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there will my servant be also. If anyone serves me, the Father will honor him." (John 12)
It was at this time that my faith was completely shaken. I was in China, as a missionary, to tell people about Jesus and the hope we have in Him, and I was completely unsure of what I believed. I began to question everything, and God began to show me that I had believed a false gospel my entire life. (in fact, He's still showing me that). I was completely stripped. What i had been clinging to was not the right thing. This left me in complete disarray. Put that with living in a completely different culture, and you've got a perfect recipe for depression :) I pushed through, cried out to God, but I knew God wasn't done with me, as much as I wished he would be.
So, in July of 2006, I found myself in Charlotte. it was glorious at first, being surrounded by so many good people and being HOME. But God still had work to do. I felt alone. SO alone. Its hard to explain how you can feel alone even though you are surrounded by so many people. I have never in my life felt so desperate. I felt abandoned. I even started seeing a Christian counselor, which was good. I wanted her to give me something to make me feel better. But she, like others, agreed that my issues were circumstantial. Charlotte was SO hard; in fact, only recently can I read my journal from that time. The last month there was beautiful, though. I had no job, no house...I spent an entire month with God. It was INCREDIBLE. I was so in love with Him, that nothing else mattered. There was no "life" to get in the way. It was a sweet time of fellowship that I don't think I'd ever had before, nor have i had since.
But it was time to go. So I moved again. It was SO from God. He confirmed that for me countless times as I prayed through it. Found myself in California. And it was so good, the newness of it all. But eventually i found...He wasn't done. He had to strip me, show me my idols. I began to see that at times I would stop at an oasis, but that the desert was still there.
And now, here I am, still in California. Things have changed. I've learned so much. God has done miraculous things in my heart. But He's not done. And that makes me feel crazy somedays. I just want relief. I beg God, please, give me relief. And He does, for a time. But He's not done. And MAN, is it hard. I have cried so many tears - of frustration, of sorrow, and sometimes of grief for the things that I have lost. But because He loves me, because He is relentless in His pursuit of me, He won't give up. And He is a JEALOUS God. He won't stand for other lovers. He knows that true love isn't always what we want - its what we need...
"Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her. And there I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth, as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt...And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the LORD." (Hosea 2)
"Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. If anyone serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there will my servant be also. If anyone serves me, the Father will honor him." (John 12)
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
long time.
well, it has been a long time. like 6 months. i feel like i could say a lot. i've learned a lot. i'm living in simi valley. again. for another year. i'm starting my third year in california. that is completely bizarre to me. i never thought i'd be here. when i moved, i thought a year. when i stayed, i figured just one more year. and yet, here i am. just existing.
yet, i know my time here has purpose. even though most days i can't see it. i long with every fiber of my being to be back with elic. although i know this is where i am supposed to be, sometimes i feel like i made the wrong choice. my work there gave me purpose like no other. like i have said many times, i loved my job as a sender. i got up every morning ready to go to work because i LOVED it. yesterday, i was looking at fair trade catalogs and cried. poverty, spiritual and physical, breaks my heart. and my job has so much potential to change that but i can't move forward with it. so i sit, answering calls, looking at jewelry for old ladies, reading books that are lame, and becoming more and more disgusted with christian culture (seriously, if i see one more bible specifically designed for "god's little princess" i will throw up.) i want to be in asia, but god is breaking my heart for what is right in front of me.
but like i said, there is purpose. i was talking with a friend about how life since moving to simi valley has been HARD. actually, since moving to CA, but even more so since i've moved here. and i realized...we are part of something that satan is scared of - living BIBLICALLY. living for the glory of god. the thing about being the church instead of going to church is that it radically transforms lives. hence the idea of not just community, but TRANSFORMATIVE community. so, we should expect opposition. instead we wonder why we struggle the way we do, with things we never have before. its because we make satan nervous. well we're not leaving so BOOYAH (thats one of my favorite words of the moment. feel free to use it).
so, i'll leave with this: god is good. and i'm learning, ever so slowly, to trust him.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
contentment.
hello there.
recently, it has come to my attention that i am 25 and not married.
i know, you are thinking "oh, really? i'm surprised!" what i mean by that is that i am aware of that fact. prior to this realization, i thought "yeah i'm not married. whatever." but there is something about realizing where you thought you would be, and where you are. i honestly thought i'd be married by now. or at least dating someone on the path to marriage. yet, here i am. blogging about my singleness. HAHA. its weird, for some reason, i've had lots of books come accross my path about the nature of men and women, and our BIBLICAL roles. often, these biblical roles play out in natural ways. but i digress. its been really interesting. one thing that has really struck me is that, as a woman, i'm not designed to provide for myself. when you look at scripture, even when a woman was widowed, the community was to come alongside her and care for her. and yet, here i am, struggling each month to provide for myself.
i have no desire to climb the corporate ladder. what i want to do is teach preschool and/or be a wife and mother. i know i'm a good teacher, and i have hopes that i will be an excellent wife and mother. instead, i'm working in a corporate-type environment (but don't get paid corporate-type wages ha). i might have to share a room the next place i live in.
i kind of feel like my expectations have been shattered. at 25, i expected to at least have a job where i didn't scrape by every month. and be on the path to marriage. but none of those things are true. i feel like each step i take is a step backwards, not forwards. but on whose path? mine, or the Lord's? if i truly believe that He has good plans for me, then why am i fighting so hard againt where he has me? Paul's words really struck me this week:
Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
I need to learn to be content. God has me in this place. And i don't want to miss his blessings because I'm too busy pining for what I don't have to see what is right in front of me. If I believe in God's goodness and sovreignty, then I need to live it.
recently, it has come to my attention that i am 25 and not married.
i know, you are thinking "oh, really? i'm surprised!" what i mean by that is that i am aware of that fact. prior to this realization, i thought "yeah i'm not married. whatever." but there is something about realizing where you thought you would be, and where you are. i honestly thought i'd be married by now. or at least dating someone on the path to marriage. yet, here i am. blogging about my singleness. HAHA. its weird, for some reason, i've had lots of books come accross my path about the nature of men and women, and our BIBLICAL roles. often, these biblical roles play out in natural ways. but i digress. its been really interesting. one thing that has really struck me is that, as a woman, i'm not designed to provide for myself. when you look at scripture, even when a woman was widowed, the community was to come alongside her and care for her. and yet, here i am, struggling each month to provide for myself.
i have no desire to climb the corporate ladder. what i want to do is teach preschool and/or be a wife and mother. i know i'm a good teacher, and i have hopes that i will be an excellent wife and mother. instead, i'm working in a corporate-type environment (but don't get paid corporate-type wages ha). i might have to share a room the next place i live in.
i kind of feel like my expectations have been shattered. at 25, i expected to at least have a job where i didn't scrape by every month. and be on the path to marriage. but none of those things are true. i feel like each step i take is a step backwards, not forwards. but on whose path? mine, or the Lord's? if i truly believe that He has good plans for me, then why am i fighting so hard againt where he has me? Paul's words really struck me this week:
Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
I need to learn to be content. God has me in this place. And i don't want to miss his blessings because I'm too busy pining for what I don't have to see what is right in front of me. If I believe in God's goodness and sovreignty, then I need to live it.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
ha.
i was told that i could leave at 4 PM today. had i known that beforehand, i would not have carpooled today HA.
my boss told me i could just read. so i have my bible, total church, and a pen handy :) its quiet and i will (hopefully) not be interrupted.
tomorrow, 3 of my favorite people from charlotte arrive. and we will eat turkey. and don't worry, i won't burn it. i am cooking for 7 people, 5 of them boys. what a hilarious thanksgiving. but it sure does feel like family :)
i really am SO thankful. its really crazy. god has given me so much to be thankful for...its amazing. if i started a list it would be a mile long. but God has been truly good to me. So much has happened over the past year, and I'm so grateful for each step of the journey.
Let the holidays begin :)
my boss told me i could just read. so i have my bible, total church, and a pen handy :) its quiet and i will (hopefully) not be interrupted.
tomorrow, 3 of my favorite people from charlotte arrive. and we will eat turkey. and don't worry, i won't burn it. i am cooking for 7 people, 5 of them boys. what a hilarious thanksgiving. but it sure does feel like family :)
i really am SO thankful. its really crazy. god has given me so much to be thankful for...its amazing. if i started a list it would be a mile long. but God has been truly good to me. So much has happened over the past year, and I'm so grateful for each step of the journey.
Let the holidays begin :)
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
my heart feels alive.
i am so thankful.
its crazy. i love my charlotte family. so much. but then, i was talking with a friend, and it just struck me...i need to be grateful. i have been given so much here. i am really, truly loved. and there is no selfishness in it. it is so good and pure and christ-like.
i am so so so thankful. i have amazing people here who do not let me sit in my sin. sure, my friendships are sometimes hard and uncomfortable. but thats what purshes me towards Christ, towards holiness. thats what life is about. to live is christ, to die is gain. i want everything i say and do, and the relationships that i have, to reflect that verse.
god is amazing. i am so in love with him. mmmmmmmm!
its crazy. i love my charlotte family. so much. but then, i was talking with a friend, and it just struck me...i need to be grateful. i have been given so much here. i am really, truly loved. and there is no selfishness in it. it is so good and pure and christ-like.
i am so so so thankful. i have amazing people here who do not let me sit in my sin. sure, my friendships are sometimes hard and uncomfortable. but thats what purshes me towards Christ, towards holiness. thats what life is about. to live is christ, to die is gain. i want everything i say and do, and the relationships that i have, to reflect that verse.
god is amazing. i am so in love with him. mmmmmmmm!
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